Dear Amatuer Extreme Couponer In Line In Front Of Me:

Good God woman, what possessed you to find 20+ coupons for fucking vitamins? You and I both know you’re not going to take all, or probably any, of those pills. To be honest, I’m a little concerned about your health.

And what’s worse? You can apparently read the fine print of a coupon, but you can’t read the sign that says 10 items or less? It’s only four words! But, despite seeing that you had far more than 10 items (and 30 bottles of 2 kinds of pills counts as 30 items, not 2, just so you know), I thought you were almost done. I was wrong.

I have learned that the only thing worse than the stereotypical old person who counts every single penny to get the perfect change, is the damn couponing bitch who is literally still cutting the coupons while standing in line. Put the scissors away, your time is up.

So I’m waiting in line behind you while the poor teenaged cashier glances at me every few minutes with looks of sympathy and hints of annoyance. I, too, feel annoyed. And I feel sorry for myself. And for her. And I really have to pee. She tells me she can save my order while I go to the bathroom, but surprise surprise you’re still arguing about coupons when I get back. Finally, freaking finally, they open a third check out lane for us. I stomp out of the store with my 6 fucking groceries and you’re still arguing with the poor staff. Bless their souls. You’re not going to make it on TLC’s Extreme Couponers. Please just stop annoying everyone and wasting my favorite grocery store’s money. There is a better way to pay for your obvious multivitamin addiction: getting a damn job with the hours you waste cutting coupons and pestering corporate about little known policies.

Sincerely,
Grocery shopping took me two freaking hours this afternoon, and a disgusting proportion of that was thanks to you.

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