Monthly Archives: December 2013

Excuse Me With All My Needs

I’ve been called mean names in my lifetime. That’s part of being opinionated and dealing with other human beings. Normally, it doesn’t bother me. Normally, in my mind at least, someone calling me a name speaks about their insecurities. My boyfriend’s ex insults me? Gee, I wonder what could have upset her. Random guy on the internet calls me a bitch for politely (seriously!) informing him why he should consider not breeding his dogs? I wear a scarlet B like a fucking badge of honor.

But every once in a while, someone comes out of nowhere and I can’t see what is lacking in them that makes them hurt me, so I honestly believe it’s something wrong with me. Maybe I am needy.

I couldn’t tell you why, but needy is one of the worst things I’ve been called. I guess because all at once, it says I’m not independent, I’m weak, and I’m not really an individual. While I have moments of weakness, I certainly don’t think that’s a normal trait for me. Obviously I’m an individual, as I’ve yet to find the woman off of whom I was cloned. And as for independent? I live alone, make my own money, and if need be I could probably handle going to the movies alone, too. So what makes me needy?

Thank goodness for Jezebel writer, Tracy Moore. She wrote an article -which I found thanks to– on what it means to be “that girl” (in this case ‘that girl’ being the needy girl). I highly recommend reading it. She really put things in perspective for me. I AM needy. Because I have needs. And because dammit, I want those needs to be met. (Otherwise, they wouldn’t be needs, would they?)

She points out that while sometimes neediness may stem from insecurities (true enough for me), often times it stems from the actions (or lack of) of the “less needy” person in a relationship. Like, maybe every action has a reaction. I know it’s a foreign concept, but it’s science!

Tracy says “I’ve never met someone who isn’t needy on some level. Not even once. Not even kinda. Yes, it’s certainly our job if we want to be more self-actualized people to try to work that shit out and be happy with ourselves, but the idea that we have to act like we don’t need anyone when the whole reason you are getting with a person is cause you do, well, that is pure fucking farce.”  Yes ma’am it is!

So basically, I’m not a horrible person, and neither are you. Someone calls you needy, don’t you dare think you are broken. You aren’t. Moore quotes psychologist Dr. Rebecca Kennedy who explains, “Maybe That Girl isn’t so crazy after all. When it comes to guys, she texts because she knows what she wants. She asks to be exclusive because she knows what she deserves. She also knows what she needs — and if that is what defines neediness then, yes, she is needy.”