Category Archives: Mental Health

#GiveIt100

I’m a bit proud of how productive I’ve been today. Maybe not productive compared to an actual, successful human being, but for me it’s not bad. I didn’t binge out of boredom (thank you Sims, for the distraction), I worked out (almost made it 2/3 of the way through an awesome pop Pilates session), wore a retainer, wanted to rip the teeth from my head because said retainer HURT LIKE HECK, and fixed a job application I MAY have messed up yesterday. Okay, did mess up. But it’s fixed, and that’s what matters!

So why today? Because I vowed to try to be a better person for 100 days. Not spiritually or morally better, mind you. But more successful. 100 days of working out, 100 days of not pigging out, 100 days of trying to make myself pretty (see retainer), and 100 days of working towards some sort of career (blogging counts). I mean, that should be plenty of time to create a bona fide habit, right?

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A wonderful habit like waking up early to prepare a delicious, nutritious breakfast and Irish coffee every morning.

I was pretty much inspired by this chick. She participated in something called giveit100, only I think she’s trying to take it a step further and continue her project for a full 365 days. What’s cool is the variety of things people will dedicate 100 days to achieve. (Seriously, browsing this website is a pretty cool waste use of my time.) So, I’m planning to do something similar. Only, never one to aim for a realistic goal, I’m trying to do a bunch of things for 100 days. And I don’t think I want 100+ videos of myself doing menial tasks floating around on the internet, so I’m not going to go through the website, which asks users to upload a video daily, as cool as I think it is.

My 2014 resolutions all had a similar theme. Apparently, I want to be a trophy wife. I want to be fit, I want to be organized, I want to learn to cook, etc. Hopefully, my 100 days will help me get closer to that illusive, probably fictitious version of trophy wife (complete with a dream job) I’m hoping to become.

100 days of:
-Working out
-Eating better (or just less)
-Cleaning/organizing (even just cleaning up after myself will be an improvement)
-Taking care of my body (wearing a retainer, flossing, little stuff like that)
-Writing/blogging
-Spending quality time with the fur kid
-Finding and documenting (finally a use for Instagram!) something small that makes me happy

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Something like watching my fur kid have the time of her life trying to catch water from a fountain

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Excuse Me With All My Needs

I’ve been called mean names in my lifetime. That’s part of being opinionated and dealing with other human beings. Normally, it doesn’t bother me. Normally, in my mind at least, someone calling me a name speaks about their insecurities. My boyfriend’s ex insults me? Gee, I wonder what could have upset her. Random guy on the internet calls me a bitch for politely (seriously!) informing him why he should consider not breeding his dogs? I wear a scarlet B like a fucking badge of honor.

But every once in a while, someone comes out of nowhere and I can’t see what is lacking in them that makes them hurt me, so I honestly believe it’s something wrong with me. Maybe I am needy.

I couldn’t tell you why, but needy is one of the worst things I’ve been called. I guess because all at once, it says I’m not independent, I’m weak, and I’m not really an individual. While I have moments of weakness, I certainly don’t think that’s a normal trait for me. Obviously I’m an individual, as I’ve yet to find the woman off of whom I was cloned. And as for independent? I live alone, make my own money, and if need be I could probably handle going to the movies alone, too. So what makes me needy?

Thank goodness for Jezebel writer, Tracy Moore. She wrote an article -which I found thanks to xoJane.com– on what it means to be “that girl” (in this case ‘that girl’ being the needy girl). I highly recommend reading it. She really put things in perspective for me. I AM needy. Because I have needs. And because dammit, I want those needs to be met. (Otherwise, they wouldn’t be needs, would they?)

She points out that while sometimes neediness may stem from insecurities (true enough for me), often times it stems from the actions (or lack of) of the “less needy” person in a relationship. Like, maybe every action has a reaction. I know it’s a foreign concept, but it’s science!

Tracy says “I’ve never met someone who isn’t needy on some level. Not even once. Not even kinda. Yes, it’s certainly our job if we want to be more self-actualized people to try to work that shit out and be happy with ourselves, but the idea that we have to act like we don’t need anyone when the whole reason you are getting with a person is cause you do, well, that is pure fucking farce.”  Yes ma’am it is!

So basically, I’m not a horrible person, and neither are you. Someone calls you needy, don’t you dare think you are broken. You aren’t. Moore quotes psychologist Dr. Rebecca Kennedy who explains, “Maybe That Girl isn’t so crazy after all. When it comes to guys, she texts because she knows what she wants. She asks to be exclusive because she knows what she deserves. She also knows what she needs — and if that is what defines neediness then, yes, she is needy.”

Feeling My Way Through The Fog

I’m in kind of a funk.

Like, the I-need-alcohol-to-stop-hysterically-crying-before-my-phone-interview-in-15-minutes,-but-then-I-won’t-be-able-to-drive-to -Walmart-and-buy-more-alcohol-after-it’s-over kind of funk. Because I can’t text and drive AND be under the influence, duh.

In reality, I don’t care how this phone interview goes. I have no intentions of accepting the internship, even if it is offered to me. This nonchalant attitude is technically how I managed to get the internship I’m in now, but I hate it, so really, it didn’t do me much good.

It gets a little worse, though. I’m depressed (about a number of uninteresting and unmentionable things), which means I want to binge eat, but I’m trying to lose weight, which doesn’t mesh well with binge eating. What?!

And I’m losing faith in humanity. And the only strings holding me to my ‘job’ are extremely hopeful what-ifs, while everything else in the world says I shouldn’t be here, but frankly it’s too late. I’ve already made too many mistakes. And I don’t even have the internal strength to write – which is basically my therapy. And there must be something in the water, because several of my roommates seem to feel as depressed as I do. Not necessarily for the same reasons, but there’s a dense fog of doom and gloom up in apartment 16202. Yes, they come in fog form.

So, what to do? How do we paint this silver lining? AH! SHE SAID IT!!

Maybe this time, we don’t. Maybe once in a while we accept that not every single cloud has a silver lining. That sometimes, we have to suck it up and move on. And of course we can say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, or ‘hey, now I have pain and suffering to write about’, but do we mean it? Not when we are truly upset. And that’s life.

Sometimes we get the short end of the stick; sometimes we do something awful and karma catches up with us. Sometimes our only option is to prevail, not because there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but because there is no other option.

Superstition Ain’t the Way…

No, no, no!

No, for multiple reasons! First off, that’s not exactly my ‘groove’. Secondly, I am totally superstitious. I think it’s a good thing. If I didn’t, I’d stop.

I’ve been in one of those pesky depressed moods for… well I don’t even know how long. A while. It took a break when school did, but now that work is back, the sadness magically is, too. Magically, eh?

So to try and combat the bad mood monster this morning, I decided to wear cute underwear after my shower. On a Tuesday! Crazy, right? ‘Cause Tuesdays are like my Mondays.

Perhaps, but I gotta say, I got one of my midterms back today and earned an extra credit point for remembering a fact from the first half of the semester that wasn’t even all that obscure. Now I have over 100% on that portion of the test. From what our professor was mumbling as he passed it out, it sounds like I was in the minority!

Smiling Dog

Hooray! My relative success depended upon the failure of my peers! What a great reason to smile!

All because of my panties! Not quite, but still, in this case, it’s the thought that counts.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to start your day off right, do something just for yourself. Wake up early (or at least the first time your alarm goes off), put on some cute undies even if nobody else is going to see them (in fact, please make sure not everybody sees them), get your crap done early, and enjoy the inevitable good mood that will follow. Bonus points if you work out. That would put you ahead of me on the scoreboard.

So you survived Monday and I survived Tuesday. Go us! Hopefully we’ll keep the rest of the week rolling! As my gift to you for reading, I have something that might keep a smile on your face for a while. It’s a dub-stepping bird!!

Side note: this is not my bird. This is from the soul-eating abyss known as the internet. Because my bird wouldn’t even say hello. He was a jerk. That’s why I have dogs now.

Dog ate my textbook

Because textbook-eating-dogs are a far better investment than mute birds.

Cheers!