Feeling My Way Through The Fog

I’m in kind of a funk.

Like, the I-need-alcohol-to-stop-hysterically-crying-before-my-phone-interview-in-15-minutes,-but-then-I-won’t-be-able-to-drive-to -Walmart-and-buy-more-alcohol-after-it’s-over kind of funk. Because I can’t text and drive AND be under the influence, duh.

In reality, I don’t care how this phone interview goes. I have no intentions of accepting the internship, even if it is offered to me. This nonchalant attitude is technically how I managed to get the internship I’m in now, but I hate it, so really, it didn’t do me much good.

It gets a little worse, though. I’m depressed (about a number of uninteresting and unmentionable things), which means I want to binge eat, but I’m trying to lose weight, which doesn’t mesh well with binge eating. What?!

And I’m losing faith in humanity. And the only strings holding me to my ‘job’ are extremely hopeful what-ifs, while everything else in the world says I shouldn’t be here, but frankly it’s too late. I’ve already made too many mistakes. And I don’t even have the internal strength to write – which is basically my therapy. And there must be something in the water, because several of my roommates seem to feel as depressed as I do. Not necessarily for the same reasons, but there’s a dense fog of doom and gloom up in apartment 16202. Yes, they come in fog form.

So, what to do? How do we paint this silver lining? AH! SHE SAID IT!!

Maybe this time, we don’t. Maybe once in a while we accept that not every single cloud has a silver lining. That sometimes, we have to suck it up and move on. And of course we can say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, or ‘hey, now I have pain and suffering to write about’, but do we mean it? Not when we are truly upset. And that’s life.

Sometimes we get the short end of the stick; sometimes we do something awful and karma catches up with us. Sometimes our only option is to prevail, not because there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but because there is no other option.

Learning To Play Dress Up

This summer, one of my goals was to lose weight. I have no idea how, but I’ve GAINED weight. Okay, I MIGHT be able to guess how. Anyway, that lead to a desperate, last minute trip to the store to find myself a dress for Disney.

It’s not enough that they’re picky as crap. It has to be so long. The sleeves have to be so thick. Nothing that makes you look like a hooker. Well there go all my dresses! But I also have to account for my stupid body.

After stubbornly trying on all the wrong dresses -ones that accentuated my tummy and my pear shape- I realized I needed to stop.

I truly believe with all my heart I will lose weight at Disney. Because I won’t have my parents’ delicious food to tempt me. Because I won’t be at home with nothing to do all day. (Seriously, my car’s in the shop, I’m trapped!)

But until then, I had to give in and just buy a larger dress. Because if I wore something too tight, too short, or for a younger woman, I’d look like an idiot. (Not hating on curvy ladies, but I do believe there are certain clothes that highlight the best of every body shape, and I just need to be aware of which clothes work for me now.)

You dress for the job you want. But you dress for the body you have. Only then, are you rocking your outfit.

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Picture borrowed from the internet. If you made it, 1. you are awesome, 2. tell me so I can give you credit!

I’ve Always Hated Paying Bills

Okay, I’m a failure of an adult.

I applied for a freelance writing job and got rejected. From a FREELANCE job! Ouch. How does that even happen?

I know what you’re thinking: you never update! You’re not trustworthy. But that’s not true. I just update the other blog. Because this one is about my life, which, at this point, is at a standstill. It’s kinda sad, actually.

And now I’m majorly confused about a bill from my old internet service provider. It looks like I was charged for last month, even though I stopped my service in May. I believe I was supposed to get a refund check of 38 something dollars, and now I’m getting 8 something. I know I’m being picky, but without income this summer, 30 dollars makes a huge difference! That’s almost a bag of dog food!

Not to mention now I’m nervous they’re going to keep charging me. I wonder if I’m a financial idiot or if Comcast is screwing with me.

I guess I’ll go pester my momma about how to read an effing bill, because they don’t teach you that in college. Which really, they should.

I Applied For A Big Girl Job Today, And I Got Rejected For A Big Girl Job Today

I got an e-mail from my school telling us about an editing/writing position with a travel research magazine, or something along those lines. And even though I have an internship for the Fall, I applied. Don’t get me wrong, I told them about my predicament, so I’m rather sure I didn’t get the job. But already I see a reply sitting in my inbox, just waiting for me to click it.

And I’m not sure I can bring myself to do it.

It’s not my dream job, but it’s not bad. The pay is okay (less than my boyfriend makes, but he works for the government, which isn’t too bad of a job), and it’d be a job writing. But I doubt I got it. Because the timing’s not right. And they responded too quickly.

Here, look at this cute picture of my dog swimming in a lake while I read the e-mail:

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Many thanks for your interest.  We have offered the position to another individual, but we will retain your resume for future openings.

Hmmmm. Not sure I believe that (that last part, I totally believe they hired someone else). But that’s okay. That means two things. One: I probably should have applied sooner (lesson learned?) and two: something else will come along. My boyfriend got passed up for two internships before he finally got his (with the same office), and now he’s the only intern who was offered a full time job. Sometimes stuff just works out. So I don’t feel too bad.

Plus, I’m super qualified to be a leasing agent, and while that’s not my dream career either, it’s a pretty easy job to get while I’m looking for the right one. And a discount on rent is like, the best discount ever. Suck it, people who work at ice creameries!

Just kidding. Don’t suck it. I’m super jealous of your discounts, if you get them.

Making a Summer To-Do List

This summer will be the first since I graduated high school that I won’t have a job and/or take classes. Unless I decide to take classes. But I really don’t want to. I don’t know what the eff to do with my degree, but if I add classes (especially science classes) I’m afraid I’ll drag down my GPA. But if I just graduate, I’ll be graduating Summa Cum Laude bitches!!! (Don’t you dare say a word about my majors being ‘easy’. They weren’t the hardest, but I also worked and volunteered. It’s not like I screwed around.)

So anyway, I decided I didn’t want to waste what might be my last free summer. Ever. *gulp*

The original plan was to take a vacation, but I only wanted to go to the most expensive places, and decided I’d rather save the money to go to Japan or England next year than spend it on a cruise or trip to NYC this year. Priorities! (Side note: Youtube just played an ad for something called Contiki vacations while I was writing this. We are being watched!)

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It’d be nice to go back. Maybe this time with clothes appropriate for snow! (That’s what I get for listening to the weather channel.)

Besides, I’ll spend next semester literally living at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. I may work a ton of hours, but it’s not like I won’t be able to have fun. I mean, I’ll get into the parks for free. That’s kind of a vacation!

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Me, my boyfriend, and our best friends from high school at Epcot.

So now I’m going to make this summer productive. I have the usual: lose weight, make sure I can pass my lifeguard test when I get to Disney, etc.

But I also have some special things I want to get done, and I figure if I publish them for all to see (though I know few will see it), then I’ll just have to do them.

I need to get scuba certified. Not because I’m itching to go diving, but because an internship I want requires it.

I have a goal to either freelance at least ONE paid article, blog post, or… I don’t know, whatever else I can freelance and/or finish a serious writing project. Like, one that has the potential to pay. As in a novel, a children’s book, or at least I could make the move from wordpress.com to .org on my rescue blog so I can get some revenue from ads and such. (Anything I got from that would fittingly go to rescue causes, rather than my own bank account, but that’s definitely a win in my book.)

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But it’s got to be better than the children’s story I wrote for one of my classes this semester. Which shouldn’t be too hard. I wrote is as if I was ten. I set the bar pretty low.

I have another goal to get a decent list of topics to write about on my rescue blog while I’m at Disney, because I certainly won’t be able to foster during that time, and I refuse to have Dream Big, Bark Loudly go under. Even better if I can write a bunch and save them as drafts to publish when I get busy.

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This is the actual banner for DBBL. The title in my computer says “Death Row to Dream Homes”, because that was the original title, but the bf insisted it was a bit too macabre.

And my final goal (well, the final difficult goal) is to learn to sew or crochet or something. I wanted to start a little business where all proceeds went to rescue, but I lack the skills to actually make things. Hopefully I can change that soon and get to work!! I’ve been planning it since March and I’m itching to get started!

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I had the idea to sell my paintings, and then I realized only my family would buy my paintings, if this was as good as they were going to get.

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And I thought maybe I could sell my beautiful homemade ramen, but the mail person didn’t look pleased when I asked if he could ship soup very carefully.

So hopefully this summer will be both relaxing and productive! And of course, I hope the same for each and every one of you. If you have kids, I especially hope you get to spend some time doing crafts and playing games with them. =)

Call me Macgyver!

I am frugal as crap. I am also very proud of my creativity, at least when it decides to show up to work. That’s why I knew I could hold off buying a drain snake when my bathroom sink stopped draining well. (One too many times dyeing my hair in my sink, I suppose!)

Last week I tried the usual baking soda and vinegar (and nearly used up all my precious apple cider vinegar, thank you very much), alas, it was useless. But today I was determined I had to figure something out. I’m putting off a paper, you see, so I spent my day cleaning the apartment and touching up spots on my walls/doors/cabinets with paint. It’s amazing how much I get done when it’s the stuff that’s actually last priority.

I started out sticking an ordinary straw down the drain, then I tried the same straw with toilet paper on the end. It didn’t work.

My next try was rolled up paper. All it did was get soggy.

So then I made my own handy-dandy drain snake!

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I cut the straw to create little barbs, the same kind you’d see on a really painful looking fishing hook. The idea was to mimic the shape of a real drain snake – of course the barbs on it are used to grab the gunk that’s clogging up the drain.

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Voilà! (Holy man that word looks wrong…) The straw is kind of bendy like a regular drain snake, but I will warn you it’s not heavy duty. It took me three or four straws to get the job done. But, it was 100% free and I didn’t have to take the time out of my day to drive to the store! (Not to mention I didn’t have to worry about not having a parking spot when I got back *grumbles about bad parking situation in the apartment complex*.)

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Ewwwww gross. But, now it’s gone and out of my life!

So today’s life lesson is: take your creativity on a test run now and then. Don’t let it get rusty! You might actually save yourself some trouble on your next cleaning, cooking, or DIY project.

The Rant of a Male Sympathizer

*The following is a rant, one I hope is inspiring rather than irritating. Fair warning, I’m a woman, so I’m only assuming I know how some men feel. Enjoy!*

Has everyone seen the new (well, at least it was new to me) Dove video? One of those artists from the FBI draws women based on their perception of themselves and then someone else’s description of them, all without actually seeing them! Then all the women look at the two images and compare them. And every single time, the other person’s image was more beautiful, and more accurate, than their own.

It’s pretty sad, I teared up. You see, it really hits home for me, and I doubt I’m the only one. I honestly believe women have a lot to learn from this. But without downplaying the importance of this -experiment I guess?- I’d like to suggest something similar for men.

That’s right, I’m a male sympathizer. I’m a terribly empathetic person.

There is no denying so many women need to love themselves a little lot more, but many men do, too! Men are completely ignored on this topic. Men CAN feel bad abut themselves. Men CAN hate their bodies. Men CAN be anorexic, and calling it “manorexic” is just as toxic to men as the ‘rape culture’ is to women.

In addition to having the all too human emotion of self-doubt, and even self-loathing, men have the illusion that these feelings are feminine. That they somehow take away from a fella’s manliness.

Guess what. They don’t!

Women, if we want to stand up against culture and the status quo for ourselves, let’s not shove others down to do so.

Feminism is about equality. It’s not about dragging men down. We all deserve equal pay. We all deserve an equal shot at child custody after a divorce. ALL of us are responsible for birth control. None of us should be the victims of a ‘rape culture’. And none of us should have to suffer in silence because we’re forced to act stronger than we really are.

It’s straight out of a horror film

My new passport photo, that is.

Let me tell you about my day, and the lessons I’ve learned. It was a busy, learnin’ day. The first thing I did today was get my passport application turned in and take a picture for it.

Good Lord, let me tell you. Don’t take it with wet hair – blow dry it and drown it in hairspray. Volume, volume, volume. Wear stage make-up, or it won’t show up! The internet told me it didn’t matter what shirt I wore, but it really did. A unisex shirt (Captain America ftw!!) on broad shoulders did NOT look fantastic. Add that to me feeling worse than usual about my weight (as demonstrated by my round freaking face) and you have a major disappointment. Why don’t they just save our pictures in some sort of system? My driver’s license picture was the best I will EVER do on one of those things. I feel it should be used for every ID I need in the future.

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I’m no model, but this is better than… you’ll see

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Ew. THIS will be the first impression airport workers and cruise terminal workers have of me. Someone too lazy to bother drying their hair before they take a photo that will haunt them for years… It’s like a flipping mug shot!

So I learned THAT.

Then I went to complete a couple of extra credit experiments for class (because it would be a shame to slaughter my GPA in my last semester). And I learned not to trust Burlington Coat Factory. Or Nine West. But my Nine West shoes still work, so I kinda wanna say this was Burlington…

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I got to carry my bag in my arms all day. I’m pretty sure I looked like an idiot…

So, after that and a meeting with my academic adviser (about the Disney College Program), I got to take my foster dog to the groomer. He looks much better now, but the drive was a nightmare. Not only because I got incredibly lost (I was never blessed with a mental map), but because foster (Brody) saw me stressing and started to grow anxious as well. He finally couldn’t take the tension anymore and he crapped in my car. So I rolled down the windows and I cried the rest of the drive to the groomer. Because dogs relieve stress with poop, and I do it with tears.

And finally, on the way home (after a cathartic cry, a clean dog, and some new stuff from Target) I also learned the new Butter Pecan Dunkin Donuts  iced coffee is freaking delicious. If you like coffee, go try it.

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And a small was just $2.14!!

So after a busy day, I leave you with a few life lessons: You will probably regret not properly preparing for your passport photo, no matter how much you think you don’t care about what others think. Your dog feeds off your anxiety, so take a deep breath and relax! And finally, COFFEE!!!!

NaPoWriMo?

So last year I was super sure I was going to participate in NaNoWriMo. I failed.

It’s the first day of NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) and I’ve already done more than I did all last November. I can’t decide if I’m proud of me now or if I should just be ashamed at how much I sucked earlier.

Maybe I should be ashamed. I have been not too productive all day. But I wrote a poem! Whoo!

Hope everyone who participates has a great and successful NapoWriMo!